I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
