Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
