Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So many bounce houses so little time
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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