Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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