And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
