Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
