My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I know her cup size but not her name....
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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