can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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