god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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