When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize