There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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