I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
