grandma shit on top of the toilet
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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