Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
