i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
