mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
