i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
