I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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