Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she peed on how many people?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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