either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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