i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
