are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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