About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
