By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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