He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just pee around me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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