I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
