He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize