She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize