loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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