you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
