Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
