did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
