After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
