literally had 100 drinks last night.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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