ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
