You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
