My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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