you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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