I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
