there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
