Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
