don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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