The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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