The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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