Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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