he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
