Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
