Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
what day is it and did you see me today?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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