I should be sponsored by Trojan
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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