...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
