Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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