just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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