Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
