I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
