I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I woke up under a house in Key West
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