my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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