also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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