I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
