didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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