i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
