Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
