I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Acid is not a monday night drug
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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