You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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