my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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