you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
