Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
