I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize