I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
