Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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