Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize