At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
