I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
