just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
