If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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