Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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