Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize